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You may think you're helping, but you could be doing more harm than good.
Anne Borrowdale was visiting her parents in Suffolk, England, when a salesman rang the doorbell and her father – a minister in his mid-80s at the time – answered it. After several minutes of chatter, Borrowdale stepped in. "I went to the door and said firmly, 'He’s told you he’s not interested. Goodbye,' and shut the door," says Borrowdale, 59, an author and speaker in Oxford, England.
Borrowdale soon regretted it.
"I’d treated him like a child who wasn’t capable of making sensible decisions anymore in front of a stranger," she says. "I’d let my worry about elderly people getting conned override his dignity."
Similar to helicopter parents, who hover too closely over their adolescent children, adult children may find their involvement in their aging parents’ lives is unnecessary, unwelcome or both – even if just for a moment, as in Borrowdale's case.
“There’s an inherent tension between an older adult’s desire for independence, desire to make their own choices [and] take their own risks, and the adult child’s broader vision of saying, ‘You can’t do that because it’s too risky; you will hurt yourself; this person is not good to be around,’” says Carol Levine, director of the United Hospital Fund’s Families and Health Care Project, which develops partnerships between health care professionals and . “It is a protective response – and that’s not bad because there are certain things that all of us need to be protected from by somebody who cares for us."
But sometimes, adult children can overstep their bounds – or at least be perceived as overstepping their bounds. That can alienate parents, who might resist their children’s involvement by turning away. It can infantilize them, too. “What you don’t want to do with older people is confuse [them] with children,” says Robert Kane, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center on Aging. “They have opinions and beliefs and, in some cases, they have the right to take informed risk. You can’t take away that right – you don’t want to take it away. What you want to do is make sure they truly understand the risk.”
Adult children who are extremely involved in their parents’ care might also make the situation worse for the health care staff at hospitals or , says Sherry Saturno, a social worker and executive director of the Hudson Valley Care Coalition, a nonprofit in New York.
“Children may become hyper-vigilant and easily angered because they can’t control what is physically happening with their parents, so they’ll try to micromanage issues they can control,” such as their meals or clothes, she says. “In turn, that affects the health care staff because children in such a situation may misdirect their anger and frustration to the facility staff.” Most of the time, however, adult children are more than welcome in such facilities. "Their presence, their interest and their support are really important," Levine says. "They are often the glue that keeps things together."
Here’s how to toe the line between caring and overbearing:
1. Start discussions early.
The time to start about tough issues related to aging is now, says Patricia Parmelee, director of the Center for Mental Health and Aging at the University of Alabama. "It makes families uncomfortable, and so we delay," she says. "And the typical situation that happens is decisions get made under pressure and on a very short timeline, and at least a good portion of the time, nobody’s happy with the outcome."
So get a head start on the conversation. Talk about if they start to decline, the features of a facility they could see themselves living in and whom they’d like as a health care proxy.
Be prepared for denial and pushback, Kane says. He suggests taking a practical approach to discussions by pointing out to older adults , for example, that their multistory home won’t always be the right fit for their abilities. “When you’re dealing with your parents, you bring a huge amount of emotional baggage and history,” he says. “You need to recognize that you’re going to be the adult in the room, and so you have to basically find a way to sort of push that down.”
"I’d treated him like a child who wasn’t capable of making sensible decisions anymore in front of a stranger," she says. "I’d let my worry about elderly people getting conned override his dignity."
Similar to helicopter parents, who hover too closely over their adolescent children, adult children may find their involvement in their aging parents’ lives is unnecessary, unwelcome or both – even if just for a moment, as in Borrowdale's case.
“There’s an inherent tension between an older adult’s desire for independence, desire to make their own choices [and] take their own risks, and the adult child’s broader vision of saying, ‘You can’t do that because it’s too risky; you will hurt yourself; this person is not good to be around,’” says Carol Levine, director of the United Hospital Fund’s Families and Health Care Project, which develops partnerships between health care professionals and . “It is a protective response – and that’s not bad because there are certain things that all of us need to be protected from by somebody who cares for us."
But sometimes, adult children can overstep their bounds – or at least be perceived as overstepping their bounds. That can alienate parents, who might resist their children’s involvement by turning away. It can infantilize them, too. “What you don’t want to do with older people is confuse [them] with children,” says Robert Kane, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center on Aging. “They have opinions and beliefs and, in some cases, they have the right to take informed risk. You can’t take away that right – you don’t want to take it away. What you want to do is make sure they truly understand the risk.”
Adult children who are extremely involved in their parents’ care might also make the situation worse for the health care staff at hospitals or , says Sherry Saturno, a social worker and executive director of the Hudson Valley Care Coalition, a nonprofit in New York.
“Children may become hyper-vigilant and easily angered because they can’t control what is physically happening with their parents, so they’ll try to micromanage issues they can control,” such as their meals or clothes, she says. “In turn, that affects the health care staff because children in such a situation may misdirect their anger and frustration to the facility staff.” Most of the time, however, adult children are more than welcome in such facilities. "Their presence, their interest and their support are really important," Levine says. "They are often the glue that keeps things together."
Here’s how to toe the line between caring and overbearing:
1. Start discussions early.
The time to start about tough issues related to aging is now, says Patricia Parmelee, director of the Center for Mental Health and Aging at the University of Alabama. "It makes families uncomfortable, and so we delay," she says. "And the typical situation that happens is decisions get made under pressure and on a very short timeline, and at least a good portion of the time, nobody’s happy with the outcome."
So get a head start on the conversation. Talk about if they start to decline, the features of a facility they could see themselves living in and whom they’d like as a health care proxy.
Be prepared for denial and pushback, Kane says. He suggests taking a practical approach to discussions by pointing out to older adults , for example, that their multistory home won’t always be the right fit for their abilities. “When you’re dealing with your parents, you bring a huge amount of emotional baggage and history,” he says. “You need to recognize that you’re going to be the adult in the room, and so you have to basically find a way to sort of push that down.”